Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Okey dokey.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done