Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.