Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
#oldknees
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it