My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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Lmao
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.