Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?