If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad