Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Spring of Deception
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
How your email finds me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle