I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.