Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Hero horse inspires millions
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.