I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Can. I. Help. You.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Dead sexy!!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”