i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.