handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Before & after 😅
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Shower sex be like:
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.