“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Banking tips
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.