things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.