I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
the battle rages on
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place