[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
You Might Also Like
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Oh. My. God.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes