When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.