TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Practicing safe sax
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.