So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
See..?
.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”