mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?