“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever