[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on