Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?