I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
mom had nothing to worry about
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Did I do this right
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“