Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
You Might Also Like
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
When the stylist spins you back around
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese