I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
😬
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.