Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You Might Also Like
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]