doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
When you’re here for the treats.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.