My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
me after drinking all the wine:
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Potatoes were such a good idea
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*