*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years