100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
you’re so productive for your wage
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.