YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.