I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.