Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Danger is very dangerous
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Hey I worked for it too!
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.