My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Blew out my flip flop…
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.