Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN