*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
You Might Also Like
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?