I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“i miss shittin on people”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?