I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
You Might Also Like
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Wait a minute
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.