FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.