[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?