BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
You Might Also Like
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them