I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
This rocks
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Well, that didn’t work.
Husband of the year 😂
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job