ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Finally, an explanation.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.