george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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Would you wear it?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Don’t tell me what to do
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
What my back needs
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.