Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course