Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You Might Also Like
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.