I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator