The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Kids, do not try this at home!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Not all heroes wear capes…
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”