My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”